private!
- for bang chan
( ft. berry )
( w.i.p )
more coming soon...
dear chan,
i'm starting this 20 minutes before midnight on october 12th, 2019. in, now 14, minutes it'll officially be two years since you came into my life and this entire letter is going to sound extremely overdramatic and honestly way too emotional but you're really special to me and i wanted to start documenting it when it matters the most. "matters the most" is a loose phrase for it i guess? i just think two years is a pretty long time and... maybe it's foolish but i never feel like i get the chance or am able to completely express your importance in my life so. this is for that. i hope some of it makes sense.
i spent so long pushing off this note in hopes that i'd figure out what i wanted to say but i'm still at a loss. you mean so much to me in so many different ways that, truthfully, it seems almost impossible to thank you enough in relation. i also know you'll probably never see this but writing as if you will tends to help me and.. i guess we never know what the future holds, right? anyways...
i can't believe it's been two years. two years. that's kind of insane? i remember everything from your debut until now as if it were yesterday.. i keep seeing pictures or little notes from over a year ago but i remember each day so vividly. i feel like i've known you forever yet a month all at the same time? does that make sense? it all just feels so surreal. right now, 3 minutes to midnight, i feel even weirder.. is it stupid i feel like crying? i know, if i were to get technical, two years officially wouldn't be until later in the night but since i have work this'll have to do, yeah?
ahh one more minute.
i feel so overwhelmed right now. is that weird? i just tweeted about it so i calmed down a little bit taking a step back from this.. it's really scary sometimes, how important you are to me. i know this is probably really repetitive like wow! you mean so much, you're so important, you're so!! special!!! but... i really mean it and in this moment i don't know how else to say it.
7 minutes past and it's now october 13th. it's been two years since i found you, two years i saw your teaser and two years since i fell in love with stray kids as a whole. as cheesy as it sounds, two years since you changed my life and.. wow did you change it. i'll never be able to thank you enough or really tell you how much you've done, whether you're aware of it or not, for me. i know i'm not the only one and that's something else entirely but from the moment you entered my life i've cherished you and i don't expect that to change for a very, very long time.
i guess this is hard for me because i've never had anyone in my life that's impacted me as much as you have. i seek you out in everything no matter how small in day to day life, it's strange and it's sometimes really random but somehow it's really comforting? it's reassuring in a way. in the last two years i hit my lowest point but i'm also at a point where i'm doing better than i ever have even in a low situation.. it's hard to explain but the gist is that life happened and it tore me down but in every way, shape and form, your presence (along with the others) really, undoubtedly aided me and i'm so grateful. i think about it a lot and it's sort of.... like i think "is it weird? to put so much into someone who isn't there (in person).." or "why does this one person (you) mean so much to me... what is it??" and honestly i still don't entirely know the answer to any of those questions but... you just do. you just exist and you exist so wholly, you're just yourself, and you're there and you have such a big heart with so much love and kindness.. i've never wished i could be more like someone until i found you. you're so talented and genuine with the most beautiful heart i've ever seen. you're a leader and you're so attentive to those around you, always. sometimes you act so childish but in the most endearing way possible and i love it, i love everything about who you are and i know that's maybe a little out there since i don't know you. i know the you presented to us and the you that you choose for us to see but i love it, and regardless i just.. i treasure you. i so wholeheartedly treasure the you in my heart and it's been there for two years yet the space you hold grows every single day without faltering.
it's scary, and i get nervous knowing that every day you mean a little more. what's going to happen when i don't feel that way anymore? will that happen? it's so hard to imagine my life without you in it, impossible even, and i can barely remember the time before you? it's this weird realization, a weird phenomenon of emotions that i experience from time to time but.. that time isn't now, right? i'm here, in the now, and you mean everything and more to me. you're special and you're my light. you're the stars and the moon and the sun and the entire universe in a single soul, body and mind. to me at least. i love you so much.
i love you. i cherish you. i so genuinely with every ounce of my being adore you and i hope you know how cared for and how many Stay utterly treasure you because god chan, the numbers are so huge. it makes me feel so small but your happiness means so much to me that even if by supporting you, i'm only a single number, i'm happy and i'm glad and i wouldn't change a thing because you get to live your dream and i get to watch you do it.
i hope you walk on the most beautiful and flowery of paths because if anyone in the world deserves it, it's you.
here's to one more, bang chan.
dear chan,
tonight is weird.. i'm not completely sure why i'm writing here instead of typing up the letters that'll be actually delivered to you and the boys. i feel weird writing honest words knowing someone else might read them. i plan on trying to include the url to this because as small as it is right now i want it to grow. i'm sorry it's not much. i'm not great at graphic arts.. this was kind of the best i was capable of, especially when it was first made. it's really simple but my emotions are complex, so that makes up for it, right?
i don't even know why i've come here.. maybe it's stalling? just me trying to think of the words i want to express to you...
things have been hard lately but you give me a lot of comfort, very simply. i wanted to do this sooner.. after everything but i couldn't find the energy. so i'm here now, i hope that's enough.
i think it'll be easy to fake cheeriness in a page long note that'll be delivered to you through someone else but here i feel like it's safer to be vulnerable. honestly i feel lost. i feel like my world is crumbling and i feel alone. i feel so alone all the time and i hate it. things have gotten so difficult lately. my life is full of so
much dread and i wish it would go away. i'm so tired.
ahh why does everything come out sad all of the time? i'm sorry i can't be brighter. but!! there is a point to all of this, shockingly. the last couple months have been hard and really depleting in practically every way possible but, again, you cheer me up.
thank you for everything. in this world i think you're the only person who makes me feel like things will always be ok, no matter the circumstances.
.. i've already run out of words to say so i'll leave this as is but i hope i can meet you here one day with nothing but happiness. i'm sure it'll happen eventually, right? i'll keep working harder.. or try to. at least.
it's really nice to have you back, chan. i missed you.
dear chan,